Diary of an Army Lawyer: The White Sands Scandal
Hello, world! Let me introduce myself: I’m the (un)official keeper of secrets and solver of unusual problems at White Sands Missile Range. As an Army lawyer in the mid-1980s, I’ve seen my fair share of… let’s call them ‘unique’ cases. But nothing tops the scandal of 1985 – a tale so wild it could make a soap opera writer blush.
Chapter 1: The Love Triangle Tango
It all started with a young E-4 soldier, let’s call him Specialist Heartbroken, having marital woes. His captain, in a stroke of what I can only describe as misguided wisdom, assigned a Senior Sergeant First Class – we’ll name him Sergeant Casanova – to counsel the soldier and his wife. Now, Sergeant Casanova took this a bit too literally and started “counseling” the wife a bit more privately, if you catch my drift.
Chapter 2: The Duel of the Bedsheets
As you can guess, Specialist Heartbroken and his wife got divorced faster than you can say ‘irreconcilable differences’. But here’s where it gets spicy: Sergeant Casanova’s wife, let’s call her Mrs. Fury, was not one to take things lying down – pun intended. She challenges the soldier’s ex-wife to a duel. And no, not the pistols-at-dawn kind. A bed duel. To see who was better in, ahem, certain nocturnal activities.
Chapter 3: The Unhappily Ever After
Spoiler alert: Mrs. Fury lost the duel. And her marriage. Sergeant Casanova, now a free man, was all set to live happily ever after with Mrs. Casanova (the second). That is until our base commander, General Furious (aptly named), decided that a court-martial was in order.
Chapter 4: Lawyer to the Rescue
Enter me, the Army Defense lawyer. I’m sitting there, reviewing the case, wondering if I accidentally switched jobs with a daytime TV show writer. I am racking my brains to figure out how to defend him when it hits me – spousal privilege! Under the law, an ex-wife can’t testify against her former spouse. So, I gave Sergeant Casanova some unconventional legal advice: “Marry your girlfriend, quick!”
Chapter 5: No Witness, No Crime
So, he did. Mrs. Casanova, the second edition, couldn’t testify against him. Without a witness, the prosecution’s case crumbled like a cookie in a toddler’s hand. No witness, no crime.
Chapter 6: The General’s Fury
You should’ve seen General Furious’s face when I explained why we couldn’t prosecute. I thought steam might actually start coming out of his ears. He was so mad he could barely speak, which, honestly, was probably for the best.
Conclusion: The Scandal That Rocked White Sands
And that, my friends, is the story of how I navigated the most bizarre love triangle (or square?) in military history and lived to tell the tale. It’s just another day in the life of an Army lawyer at White Sands Missile Range. Stay tuned for more tales from the legal front – you just can’t make this stuff up!
